The Pros and Cons of Dating An Artist
By Bill Dixon
Pro: Never Want For A Pen Ever Again-It’s like they come with a kit! Every artist is permanently equipped with writing instruments at all times.
Con: Unforgivably Vicious Emotional Damage -Artists are unforgiving bastards and will viciously tear your heart out. Breakups usually include personal possessions being hurled into the street, personal possessions being set on fire in the street, and personal possessions being defecated on, on fire, in the street. Also, Lets not forget the public displays of “fuck you” in the form of song, beat poem, blog post, etc. depending on the artist’s medium.
Pro: Never Need Help With Your Computer Again-Because of the exploratory nature of most artists, they generally know their way around a Macbook.
Con: You Will Be Murdered In Your Own Home-Because of their unyielding fascination and romanticization of death, you will probably be the vessel through which they live out their sick homicidal fantasies. You’ll be holding hands as you walk through a quiet park in the summer twlight and they will look at you and whisper something like, “I’ve never felt this way before.”
This may seem like a beautiful sentiment but what they really mean is that they have never before felt this hunger- this insatiable lust- for murder.
Pro: Exposure To Local Art Scene-You will get to meet interesting and fascinating people within your significant others particular local artistic community.
Con: Your Parents Will Probably Be Murdered Too- Artists are highly intelligent and often seduced by the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. They have no respect for human life and they believe in nothing, so after they murder you, they will surely think, “Who will be the person most interested in finding the killer?” In no time at all they will surmise that your parents must be viciously murdered as well. Everybody has an art and this artist’s art is murder and he or she is painting their masterpiece in blood.
Pro: Artists are Crafty!- Why go buy coffee coasters when you can make them yourself? Artists are Do-It-Yourselfers to the bone. Look forward to memories forever solidified in the homemade trinkets that will last a lifetime.
Con: You, Your Family, and Your Extended Family Have All Been Viciously Murdered By A Sociopathic Nihilist Who Plays In A Pop-Punk Band All Because You Watched 500 Days of Summer And Decided You Wanted To Try Something Different-All you ever think about is yourself.
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